Some of my favorite couples to work with are those who are getting married for the second time. These couples have an idea of the ups and downs of marriage, and want to avoid what went wrong in the past, as well as welcoming and embracing more of what they do want.
A wedding ceremony for these couples is sometimes more meaningful than their first one was because of this. If their ceremony reflects them well, and celebrates their love meaningfully, they will remember it with joy and fondness throughout their married lives, and so will the guests who celebrated with them.
As a gesture of loving respect for all of you who may be considering a second marriage, I offer these suggestions for some deep conversations before making that decision:
A wedding ceremony for these couples is sometimes more meaningful than their first one was because of this. If their ceremony reflects them well, and celebrates their love meaningfully, they will remember it with joy and fondness throughout their married lives, and so will the guests who celebrated with them.
As a gesture of loving respect for all of you who may be considering a second marriage, I offer these suggestions for some deep conversations before making that decision:
- How is this relationship different from others that didn’t last or work out?
- What will you do if this relationship gets difficult or rocky?
- What reasons might there be to choose not to get married?
- What will change when we get married?
- How will we make spending decisions? (Are you an impulse or emotional shopper?)
- Which people, spiritual communities / nonprofit organizations / charities do you support and why?
- Do you want a prenuptial agreement? Why or why not?
- Who will pay the bills? Balance the checkbook? Prepare our taxes?
- If you came into a large sum of money, what would you do with it?
- How will we decide who does which chores? (cooking, cleaning, shopping, gardening, car maintenance, home repairs)
- Do you want children? (How do you feel about genetic testing, abortion, circumcision, adoption, discipline?)
- What rules would you want to have for our children? (foods, TV, online/computer time, chores, allowance)
- How do our levels of career ambition compare to each other’s?
- How much private / alone time or space do you need?
- Where do you want to live? (urban, suburban, rural, house, apartment, condo, shared housing)
- How do our religious and political beliefs differ? What would you want to teach our children about these?
- What family traditions are important to you? With which relatives will we spend the holidays we celebrate?
- Are you a morning or a night person? Are you more or less tidy or messy than your partner? How do you feel about these things?
- What major family medical or mental health issues are in your family?
- What things do we enjoy doing together? (social & cultural events, sports, hobbies, travel, games, classes, entertainments)
These conversations should happen over time, rather than all at once. Some you may talk through several times. Try to learn as much about your partner’s feelings and answers as you can to completely understand how s/he feels. Be curious. Be thoughtful. Be truthful. Be kind to one another. Be gentle.
If you would like a PDF of the list above, please click here.
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